Acting up
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

From; Clean Christian Jokes

The Shipwreck Survivor

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island.

Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, “I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been alone on this island for more than five years!”

The captain replied, “If you’re all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts.”

The survivor said, “Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another.”

“What about the THIRD hut?” asked the captain.

“That’s where I USED to go to church.”

From; Clean Church Jokes

Three Pastors

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”
From; Clean Christian Jokes

My feet

A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said,

“Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”

He looked up at her
with a raised brow and said,

“Don’t kid me, Mom. I KNOW they’re my feet.”

From; God’s Little Acre

The Lord is my shepherd

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible — Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,

Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

“The Lord is my shepherd . . . and that’s all I need to know!”

From; God’s Little Acre

The Astronaut and a Child

One day a space shuttle
crashed to the ground
in the yard of a preschool.

When he finally struggled out
of the wreckage,
the astronaut shouted;

“I’m free! I’m free!!!”
At this point, one of the little children
standing there shouted back;

“Big deal, I’m four!”

From; God’s Little Acre

Angie and Joel 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother
Joel were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?”
Joel asked. Angie pointed
to the back of the church and said,

“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”

From; God’s little Acre

*
Usher
Hush…er

WHAT ARE SOME SUREFIRE WAYS
TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” – Del, age 6

“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs. . .and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” – Manuel, age 8

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” – Alonzo, age 9

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” – Bart, age 9

From; God’s little Acre

Attending a wedding

Attending a wedding c for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother,

“Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness
and today is the happiest day of her life,”

her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this
for a moment, then said,

“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

From; God’s Little Acre

Taking My Picture

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon,
she worried about her seven-year-old
daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home.

Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, “All the way home, God’s been taking my picture!”
From; ‘God’s Little Acre

http://www.loaloachristiannetwork.com/

THE BRIDGE

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two or four lanes on that bridge?”
– Author Unknown –

My quarter

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.

He walked up to her and asked, “Are you a Christian?”
“Yes.”
“Do you read your Bible every day?”
She nodded her head, “Yes.”
“Do you pray often?” the boy asked next, and again she answered,
“Yes.”
With that he asked his final question.
“Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?”

From; ‘God’s Little Acre’

The Candle Lights

A mother took her three-year-old daughter
to church for the first time.

The church lights were lowered,
and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until
the little one started to sing in a loud voice,

“Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

From God’s little Acre

WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS?

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” – Gavin, age 8

“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” – John, age 9

.

.

John meant
Holy metromony.

Chosen – True Story ( humor)

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play.  His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me … ‘I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.’

From: “Clean Christian Jokes”